by Sally Kingston
House Management loves cuddling you. House Management has heard that there will be a day when you no longer want to hug, kiss, snuggle, or even touch any member of the Management team. Management has also heard that we will be sad when this day comes. While all of this is probably true, Management would still like you to back off with the physical contact sometimes. Here are some situations in which you should probably try to keep your hands, feet, nose, elbows, and forehead to yourself.
- When you are eating something gross: Management does not want a banana, that is why management is not eating a banana. Please do not attempt to hug or kiss or climb to the very top of Management while eating your banana, for this will inevitably lead to Management eating some of your banana against Management’s will. Someday, kid, you will learn that there are few things worse than involuntary, second-hand banana consumption.
- When you are trying to show Management something awesome: I see that car. It does have an awful lot of wheels. No, the wheels do not become more numerous or more awesome as the distance between the wheels and my face approaches zero. Yes, it is fast, but I bet it would be a lot faster if it were driving on the ground rather than up one of Management’s arms, across Management’s back, then back down Management’s other arm.
- In a restaurant: I know that the time between sitting down at the table and finally receiving the juice and french fries that are all you ever eat in restaurants are the most interminable seven minutes of your life. I understand that the two trucks you brought from home, the cup full of crayons and coloring sheet the server brought us, the five TVs around the restaurant, and your twin brother are not enough to possibly entertain you for that long. However, flinging yourself onto House Management’s lap and jabbing all your many limbs (did you grow new elbows since we got here?) into Management’s vital organs while trying to get comfy, preventing Management from reaching the margarita that just arrived at the table is not the solution. Remember how we always used to sit in booths? Have you noticed how we always go for tables with four separate chairs now? Yeah, that’s your fault.