by Sally Kingston

House Management has been researching management of people like you and has stumbled onto the idea of “positive reinforcement.” Today, instead of clarifications, guidelines, or outright rules, Management would like to take the opportunity to let you know what you’re doing right.

  1. It is awesome that you were so enthusiastic about participating in the school talent show last night, despite your typical-for-a-four-year-old complete lack of talent.
  2. It is awesome that you decided to do a duet of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, despite knowing only about 75% of the words, while playing your guitars, despite never having taken a lesson.
  3. It is awesome that you were sure that any performance requires costumes. Not any costumes, but the never-fails combination of Buddy the T-Rex and his partner, Gender-Free Fairy Princess Ballerina.
  4. It is awesome that after the first, planned song, Buddy the T-Rex bowed and exited the stage as planned, but Gender-Free Fairy Princess Ballerina announced “I’m not done” and proceeded to sing most of Old MacDonald, pausing only to clarify to the giggling parents, “It’s not funny.”
  5. It is awesome that all of this felt so natural to you that you were totally bewildered as to why House Management and co-Management were so proud of you.
  6. Given all these facts, House Management should say “You were the best performance of the night!” However, sadly, no performance, no matter how much the performers are the fruit of Management’s loins, could outshine the 6-year-old girl hula hooping while playing air guitar and belting out “Don’t Stop Believin'”.
  7. It is awesome that you agree with Management and when Management said “I am so proud of you,” you responded with “I am so proud of that girl that did the hula hooping.”