On Urination and Clothing

by Sally Kingston

Oh, Children. You seem to be confused. Let me clear this up.

  • Unacceptable Reasons to Urinate in Your Clothing:
    1. I was busy. Oh, I see. You were putting the finishing touches on the presentation you are giving to the entire department on Friday. No? Oh, right that was House Management. You must have been folding and putting away all the laundry that you peed on yesterday. No? Management again? What were you doing? Explaining to that weird kid in your class the differences between steam engines and diesel engines? You know, urinating on yourself mid-rant completely destroys your credibility. Remember: pee first, then give self-righteous lecture.
    2. What pee? I didn’t pee.Oh, honey, if you believe that then Management needs to call the bank real quick and convert that college fund to a “vacation in europe” fund. Or maybe a “really old whiskey” fund. Either way, we clearly don’t need to save enough for a top-tier four year institution. There is more pee on those pants than on floor of that gas station we had to stop in that one time when Management made you keep your hands in your pockets so you wouldn’t accidentally touch anything.
    3. It’s just a little pee. Don’t even worry about it.This isn’t a spectrum,kid. Pee is pee is pee.
    4. It’s excited pee. That doesn’t work for your grandmother’s yippy little dog, and it won’t work for you.
  • Acceptable Reasons to Urinate in Your Clothing:
    1. Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
    2. Oh, Zombies! Yeah, if there are zombies, don’t even worry about it. Go ahead and pee on yourself. God knows that’s what I’ll be doing.
    3. Also, maybe clowns, if you’re not expecting them. Clowns are terrifying.