At the Playground
by Sally Kingston
Any decent hospitality enterprise strives to ensure its guests are adequately cared for and provides a variety of high-quality options for meeting guests’ needs with regard to exercise and entertainment throughout their stay. At Simple House Rules, we share those ideals and goals. And then we just take you to the playground.
Most playgrounds, whether they are in the neighborhood, at a county park, or behind the not-quite-locked-all-the-way elementary school fence, qualify as “in public.” As such, there are extended rules for visiting these arenas. All home rules also apply. (See especially On Clothing).
Although House Management encourages your creativity and wants you to express yourself, playground conventions exist for everyone’s safety. And for Mommy not having to close her book, get off this shady bench, and interact with you monkeys. You are free to ignore these standards of play, but Management is free to ignore the whining that results.
- Slides are for down, stairs are for up. Slides are for down, stairs are for up. If you are both on the slide at the same time, he who is going down is the winner. I don’t care if you were there first. I don’t care if he kicked your nose on purpose. I don’t care if the slide is really a snowy mountain and you are trying to get to the summit to save the baby jaguar. Slides are for down, stairs are for up.
- Pushing services are available for swings upon request. Service is limited to one swing per member of Management Staff and is on a first-come, first-served basis. In the event of adjacent swings becoming available, Management will consider assigning one staff member to push both swings, but only if that staff member is Daddy.
- Baby swings are only for infants and other people whose thighs fit. Management doesn’t want to cram your legs into those little holes anymore than we want to cram our own legs into skinny jeans. You have to know when something just isn’t working for you anymore.
- Management sees that you can jump over that stick. Management acknowledges your stick-jumping skills. They are varied and impressive. Management will watch you jump over that stick one more time. Management IS watching. Stop asking Management to “watch me!” and just jump already.
- Management requested that you go potty before we left. You DID go potty before we left. What is it about arriving at the playground that makes you need to poop immediately? It doesn’t seem that exciting to Management.
- Oh, it’s only pee? No one is looking at that tree right now. Go pee on it and be grateful you’re a boy. Then get your tricycle, we are going home.