by Sally Kingston
Like all overachieving house management executives, Simple House Management believes in the power of “family dinner time.” In light of recently developed dinner-time rituals, however, Management is considering the possibility that no one should have to eat with you people. Infractions and suggestions for improvement follow:
- House Management loves you. House Management would love to snuggle you after dinner, perhaps at bedtime? Maybe right before bath, on the couch? House Management wants you to get off our lap, right now, you’re going to make me spill my wine and, crap, there goes my asparagus. Right in your ear. Gross. Get back in your own chair. You have just lost sitting next to Mommy at dinner privileges.
- First shalt thou pick up the fork, then shalt thou eat three pieces of broccoli, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt eat, and the number of the eat shall be three. Four shalt thou not be required to eat, neither eat thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. One is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then gettest thou thy Holy Butt away from my table, thou art all done and we are sick of thy whining.
- I said THREE. You spend all your time at that fancy Montessori school, and you know EXACTLY how many three cookies is. Counting broccoli is no different. I call bullshit.
- Firetrucks are not invited to dinner. No, your hot dog is not on fire. “Hot” is not a literal description of the “dog” here. I don’t know why they are called hot dogs. Yeah, it’s weird. Sometimes they are cold. No, I DON’T KNOW WHY. It’s not important. Just eat it. No, it’s not on fire. No, it’s – fine. Hold on. Maybe I have a wikipedia app on my phone.